She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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