you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
