i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
