New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
