I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
