There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
