so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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