I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
