The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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