You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
