The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
