I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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