the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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