you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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