Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
