I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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