Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
