thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
