hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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