so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Green mimosas i think yes
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
