I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
