Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
