So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
