got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
