I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
