Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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