she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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