He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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