your parents love me but you hate me
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
