Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
