I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
