genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
