i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
this just has baby written all over it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
