Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
