I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You can't motorboat a personality
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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