who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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