please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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