girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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