I feel like abortions should bother me more
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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