If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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