seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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