So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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