So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
