My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
