I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i think i have two assholes
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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