oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
