she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
