Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
