Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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