The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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