New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
