chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
