Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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